Our Journey

This is a risky one to post but it captures a lot.  I am posting with this disclaimer:  Friends and family who want us back home, don’t get your hopes up…friends and colleagues who want us to stay, don’t despair.  No decisions have been made.  We are wrestling with these issues, praying fervently, and trying to discern.

From my journal on 11/29:

“you must not despise this first favor,…nor be disconsolate, even though you have not responded immediately to the Lord’s call; for His Majesty is quite prepared to wait for many days, and even years, especially when He sees we are persevering and have good desires”. –Saint Teresa of Avila

37 years on this earth, volunteering for 2 of them in Malawi, and I still don’t know what I’ll be when I grow up.  I have felt the presence of the Holy Spirit more in the past 18 months than ever before in my life, and I don’t think that’s just recency effect.  I feel it in worship.  In travels and teaching.  In the books I read on development and foreign aid.  On the morning run with Vince as we discuss observations and experiences.

But sadly there are no flashing neon signs telling us if we should stay in Malawi or hang it up.  There are no cloud patterns spelling out our course of direction.  What exists are a bunch of mixed contradictory feelings.  A desire to go home.  Utter emotional and physical exhaustion.  Beauty and serendipity.  Doubt about our real value here.  Sunsets over Kampala and dinner as a family every night.  Work that has an impact.  A church barely surviving and 92% dependent on donors who have their own needs and agendas.  The familiar I will never forget and the unfamiliar I will never know.  Returning to rejoicing family and friends.  Leaving disconsolate friends and colleagues in Malawi.  Is staying a misery sentence?  Is leaving a recipe for regret?

What is the authentic response?  The honest answer is I don’t know what the hell to do.  Am I a failure if I leave?  Am I adding value if i stay?  Is this all justification and self interest?

The gift and the curse is a deeper understanding of mission, church, and culture.

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“What revolution might take place in your heart if you make generosity your life style? What might happen to your need for security and control?”

Some people misunderstand or overestimate our generosity because we have moved to Malawi. It appears sacrificial or extraordinary. But, in fact, the decision to move was only one decision out of thousands that we make. That one decision may have been generous (although not as generous as those who support us and enable us to do it) and it was definitely life-changing. It has taught us a lot about letting go of security and attempting to control life.

But a life is measured in the dailiness and consistency of one’s decisions. The move was made; it was big and drastic. But now we live in the daily struggles of families everywhere. Will we be generous to him, to her, to our neighbor, to the stranger, to each other? Will we give up control of the project, of our time, of our money? Will we doubt God and our calling today, tonight or tomorrow?

Our lives are radically different than they were 18 months ago – one car, a water tank, a domestic worker, separation from family and friends. And we have learned so much about prayer, worship, sacrifice, commitment, perseverance and joy. But even so we have discovered those golden calves that we still cling to, the limits that we are not willing to cross. As difficult as it was to leave home, that was the easiest part. Allowing the new to change us, being vulnerable to people and circumstances, and being open to the transformation that God is offering. That’s tough.

The prayer of confession last night as we lit the Advent wreath was,

“Lord, we confess our hidden fears and struggles in reaching out and touching the strangers. We confess our unwillingness to let go of our comforts and learn other languages and accept the many different customs, cultures, and traditions of the world’s family.”

And in response we prayed,

“Lord, teach us your ways and help us to walk in your path.”

And I guess that’s what Advent, discipleship, is all about – learning to walk in Jesus’ way with hope and anticipation and being open to the gifts of God’s human family. God is with us. Amen.

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