This is a risky one to post but it captures a lot. I am posting with this disclaimer: Friends and family who want us back home, don’t get your hopes up…friends and colleagues who want us to stay, don’t despair. No decisions have been made. We are wrestling with these issues, praying fervently, and trying to discern.
From my journal on 11/29:
“you must not despise this first favor,…nor be disconsolate, even though you have not responded immediately to the Lord’s call; for His Majesty is quite prepared to wait for many days, and even years, especially when He sees we are persevering and have good desires”. –Saint Teresa of Avila
37 years on this earth, volunteering for 2 of them in Malawi, and I still don’t know what I’ll be when I grow up. I have felt the presence of the Holy Spirit more in the past 18 months than ever before in my life, and I don’t think that’s just recency effect. I feel it in worship. In travels and teaching. In the books I read on development and foreign aid. On the morning run with Vince as we discuss observations and experiences.
But sadly there are no flashing neon signs telling us if we should stay in Malawi or hang it up. There are no cloud patterns spelling out our course of direction. What exists are a bunch of mixed contradictory feelings. A desire to go home. Utter emotional and physical exhaustion. Beauty and serendipity. Doubt about our real value here. Sunsets over Kampala and dinner as a family every night. Work that has an impact. A church barely surviving and 92% dependent on donors who have their own needs and agendas. The familiar I will never forget and the unfamiliar I will never know. Returning to rejoicing family and friends. Leaving disconsolate friends and colleagues in Malawi. Is staying a misery sentence? Is leaving a recipe for regret?
What is the authentic response? The honest answer is I don’t know what the hell to do. Am I a failure if I leave? Am I adding value if i stay? Is this all justification and self interest?
The gift and the curse is a deeper understanding of mission, church, and culture.
Your heart will tell you what to do although you also need your mind body and spirit to be at peace to the point that you can recover from over exhaustionwe all have different abilities and limits.
and these are the same questions/observations I ask every day as a church pastor. I tell you this to let you know it’s not unique to the fact that you are miles away from home — it is the core of ministry — wrestling with it all in a way that exhausts and causes aches in the very marrow of being. Delighting in the difficulty and the beauty while suffering through the horrendous uncertainty. It is, in fact, the very question of Advent — living in the now while also dwelling in the not yet.
Peace, my called friend.
I too struggle in my own vocation and daily commitment. I am starting to feel that it is a transitional time in our world, and we will all be asking these questions of ourselves, wherever we are living and serving.
It sounds very much like you need to dust off old Wesley’s quadrilateral process – Scripture/history/tradition/common sense.
Whatever you eventually decide, be sure of one thing – God will honour your decision.
Strength in the days ahead. Be patient….especially with yourself.
You’ll know when it’s time to know. Not much comfort there I’m afraid. He is that lamp unto our feet…guiding our steps, not illuminating our destination. Seek Him, and the rest will fall into place. I just hate that it’s difficult. I really do.
Amazed at how beautifully, truthfully, and completely you bear your soul to the world. I believe that whatever you decide, you will find God’s special grace with you. Bill
In the middle of reading Shadow of the Almighty about Jim Elliott and your post reminds me a lot of some of his journals. I’ve been amazed at how much he waits without knowing where his life is going.
Thanks for sharing. We are thinking of you! It seems to me to be important to recognize and voice, rather than deny and silence, the complexity, ambiguity, and uncertainty.
No matter what the decision is for your future, nothing can undo the heart, soul, sweat, and sacrifice that you have so freely given already. Prayer has always helped to understand how to proceed. Just remember, you are valued and loved for who you are, not just what you do. Peace be with you as you ponder your future.